Pet Rocks: a Geology Lesson

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     I made the mistake recently of mentioning that I miss the pet rock I had as a kid. It is entirely my fault for failing to specify the exact type of rock I had in mind. Unfortunately, I received a few indiscriminate donations.

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     I should explain that rocks are as varied as dogs and cats, with similarly diverse temperaments. Most people don’t realize this. One must be careful in picking.

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     There are three major groups of rocks from which to choose: sedimentary, igneous, and metamorphic. These have more contrasting personalities than the great diversity of cats and dogs. This is because cats and dogs each have a long history of interbreeding while rocks remain stubbornly resistant to this.

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     I’m not sure what character traits in rocks would best suit my personality. Sedimentary rocks are often soft and simple. That’s because they accumulate in layers, either in water, such as limestone, or by airborne deposits, like volcanic ash. They are often porous, accepting any intrusion or interruption, and are easily shaped, sculpted, and persuaded. I’m sometimes that way, but generally much more opinionated. I’m not sure a sedimentary pet would be compatible.

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     Igneous rocks, on the other hand, are just the opposite: firm, hardened, and usually quite dogmatic. Obsidian is an excellent example. They formed under tremendous heat and pressure, reflected in their stubbornness. Often belligerent, these are the rocks chosen by our ancestors to be spear points and arrowheads. I admire their forcefulness and strength. They are without doubt the most confident of rocks, but I fear an igneous pet might turn on me during heated discussion.

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     The metamorphic rock is the most complex of all. It is ancient, formed deep in Earth’s crust, and it thus has ponderous authority. Under enormous pressure, it has persuaded other rocks to join in a consensus of substance. And so, it is cleverly diverse, sometimes presenting itself in the delicate beauty of marble, sometimes in the enchanted mystery of quartzite crystal, and then popping up as instructional tablets of slate. The metamorphic rock, perhaps, best suits my personality and temperament. I’m more metamorphic than igneous or sedimental.

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     Then again, I wonder how well I would get along with a pet metamorph. Would there be occasions of contested authority? Would our relationship become dominated by conflict avoidance?

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     On further consideration, my thoughts were wistful: I shall leave the rocks to others. No more donations, please!

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Ron Wetherington